My Blog

Game of Thrones: Your First Time

11/13/2018

I’m not a procrastinator. I just find more interesting things to do and other stuff gets shoved aside in nice, neat organized piles. Like colonoscopy appointments. Not as fun, right?

Can anyone relate?

Now I totally realize this is going to be a colorful piece and this topic is somewhat taboo due to the gross factor. Can’t run from it, though, pun not intended.

If you don’t have a family history of and/or colon health problems most general practitioners advise that you can wait until you’re 50 to have a colonoscopy. The reality is that you should be considering these things in your mid 30's and early 40's. Colon issues aren’t age-biased. NOTE: Many doctors also offer what is best referred to as a “poop test” in lieu of a colonoscopy. It’s the easy way out…don’t do it. You can have a perfect score and still have underlying colon issues...the test is far from 100% accurate.

As a young lady whose been through this whole exploratory circus more than once (and has another one scheduled the day before Thanksgiving...the universe hates me), I figured my currently not-so-humble thoughts could help first timers.

Finding a Doctor

Scheduling

Finding the best doctor should be like interviewing someone for a job. What are their experience and credentials? What are their colon prep procedures? Do they schedule morning colonoscopies (some schedule in the afternoon only...torture)? What are people saying about them? Good reviews from friends and family are priceless. Research! Research! Research!

Early morning tests are the bee’s knees. Even if you’re a night owl, I promise you’ll prefer getting up early for the procedure and sleeping off the post-anesthesia buzz later.

Also, scheduling on a Friday is best for post-procedure recovery.

The Big Test

Take a friend or family member with you because you’ll be woozy before and after due to the pre-fasting and post-anesthesia. Having support is important. You need someone to keep you from walking into oncoming traffic or flashing the medical staff.

Good news: the colonoscopy itself is easy. You’ll be asleep for that. Unless the anesthesia starts to wear off and you find yourself semi-conscious and stupefied by what you see on YouVisionTV (a colon is a weird thing indeed). No worries, the aesthetician will put you out immediately.

The Joy of Prepping

Bad news: Prep. Sucks.

Good news: Prep day is YOUR Day! Remove yourself from ALL responsibilities on prep day, e.g., work, volunteering, etc. You simply cannot operate when fasting. You need to rest and relax. Think of it as a fun mini Staycation that has the minor inconvenience of listening to a timeshare seminar. Wear your pajamas. Enjoy the food that you get to have if allowed food. Catch up with Netflix and Amazon Prime or whatever fun entertainment service provider you have. Read a good book.

Prep varies according to the doctor and your current health and/or history. My doctor is patient-first. Though I have a terrible family history, I’ve had clean results and am therefore given a bit of a pardon on some things (hope that continues). Like, I’m allowed to eat a little instead of a full pre-prep day fast. As for prep meds, it varies according to your doctor. The one that seems pretty common is a series of laxatives 1-2 days before the prep day and 2 bottles of Magnesium Citrate the evening before the colonoscopy. Regarding the Mag Citrate...try to find it in a flavor or offering flavoring packets. Also, if you love yourself at all, drink Mag Citrate cold. Refrigerate and drink through a straw...SO MUCH EASIER. Some people like it with ice instead.

Upon first rumbling, park near a bathroom. Like a dog marking territory, that bathroom will be henceforth known as Your Bathroom. Good luck and Godspeed if you only have one bathroom and multiple people living with you (especially kids).

Make your bathroom cozy and enjoyable while you're having your own musical Game of Thrones battle. Set up a laptop or tablet (block the cameras just in case—you don’t want those graphic moments on YouTube). Watch some TV. Listen to some tunes. And so you don’t suffocate, open a window and/or invest in a quality scented candle.

Don’t use cheap toilet paper unless you want to be RAW for days. Invest in quality baby or adult wipes—regular NOT trial size. Maybe keep a special trash bag or container for those because flushing too many wipes (yes, even the flushable kind) can clog a drain double quick.

The Happy Day Has Arrived!

It’s normal to be, um, still "cleaning" pre-appointment. Shouldn't be a lot--unless you have to do morning prep, too and that’s, well, just barbaric on the doctor's part...

Day of, any movement prior to the procedure could result in one or more tiny surprises. Sneezing, coughing, laughing, sudden movements (and frankly just standing, sitting or walking) could cause you to, um...“leak”. Readers, I’m being honest here. It can happen to ANYONE. The “leak” shouldn’t be much, but it's sort of the back end equivalent to peeing yourself.

Fun fact: Always Ultra-thin 10-hour (nighttime) pads (or a comparable product) provide adequate back end coverage on your special day. And to you dudes, don’t make it weird, just do it because it can happen to you, too.

Optional: It’s perhaps a good idea to bring a change of underwear and pants with you for after the procedure.

After the Circus

You’ll likely be in a little room, possibly with the friend or family member. That should be a comfort, but please note, before you have that procedure, have a clear mind. Those coming out of anesthesia can be as honest and free-speaking as little children, confessing to whatever is on the subconscious--inclusive of but not limited to dirty jokes, secrets, daydreams, pen theft and so on.

Fun fact: Flatulence is of great importance post-procedure. The nurse(s) won't let you leave until you, um, "let it rip". The louder the better, apparently. It’s a necessary thing you have to do after that procedure.

Warning: You might feel fantabulous and ready to conquer the world, but you’ll need to chill. You’ll want to avoid all decision-making (especially those involving significant time commitments and/or money). Be wary of how you use your electronic devices. Accidentally ordering a new customized car online or tweeting a picture of your cash and prizes to the world are decisions that should be considered with a clear mind. Unless those are things that you normally do.

Meals for the Next 24-48 Hours

Be smart. Eat bland meals for a day or two. Ignore those cravings for favorite nom noms. I had pizza once. Never again. Never. Again.

So, it’s time to put on your big girl/boy pants and schedule your first colonoscopy...especially if you've been putting it off and putting it off!

Despite the kickback I'll get from some people who know me and will be totally embarrassed to call me their family/friend, it’s so worth it to put this info on the Great Blogsphere. Helping people is always worth it.

Love,

Jen

0 Comments

Fun Fact: Your Brain on Music

Happy Thanksgiving 2018! :-)

Love God? Awesome...Now It's Time to Trust Him With Your Life.